#2 For Christmas
The Christmas Song we never released finally arrives...
Decades ago I worked in pub in St. Denys, Southampton (that’s the UK Southampton, not the Long Island, New York one). I had a copy of the KLF’s legendary book “The Manual - How To Have A Number One The Easy Way,” in which Bill Drummond outlined the concepts and simple steps in putting together a sure-fire chart topper. With my friends/co-workers Mick and Luke we came up with the idea of having a Christmas Number One Single. So we sat down with a pint and a pencil (this was in July, the month in which we had heard all of the best Christmas tunes were written), and made a list of all our favourite things that should be included in a festive song…
12 Brussels Sproutin’
11 Grannies Dancin’
10 Dads a-Trumpin’
9 Queens a-Speechin’
8 Games a-Beepin’
7 Kids a-Squablin’
6 Uncles Snorin’
5 GOLD BEERS
4 Pairs of Socks
3 Bond Films
2 Christmas Snogs
And Another Turkey Sarnie
We set the words to the traditional carol “The Twelve Days of Christmas”, because, y’know, everybody loves a countdown, and it was a much-loved, ready-made tune that we wouldn’t have to pay any rights on. Pooling our cash, we hired some decent musicians (Tony and Frank are the ones I recall), and convened in the pub to record. We copied the KLF/Timelords’ format and went for a Glam Beat, with crunchy guitar, and a drop of french horn from bar-person Claire at the very end. Luke added a festive intro, outro, and a lovely little middle-eight/interlude. I laid down a (slightly dry and effortless) guide vocal, and we recorded the cheering/jeering crowd at the bar to add festive spirit (which was in short supply in the middle of summer). As it panned out, we stopped there, and the final vocal tracks were never recorded, so the only version to remain has my guide vocal only. I’m old enough now to not give a shit how it sounds, so I thought this could finally be the year to unleash the track for all of the three and a half people who have requested it.
The song is now available from BANDCAMP where you can sample it for free, or buy the track for 99 new pence.
Incidentally, sticking with the pop music theme, Luke (LJA Brown) runs a record label MOUTH OF GOLD RECORDS where he releases his own music and a roster of other local London artists, and Mick has just released his first book “101 Terrible Record Sleeves” (as Michael Sumner), a worthy crop of Christmas nibbles to suit all stockings.
Here’s to not making the rock and pop charts this Christmas!
Festive cheer from The Snowballz - Even Stevens (me), The Viscount Biscuits (Luke), and Country Mike (Mick).
Alan XXX
This is incredible and pretty much sums up my Christmas as a child. Especially the squabbling, bond films and uncle.
I have shared this to the 3 or 4 people I know on facetube. Hope this helps you top them charts. Look forward to the ill thought out, always simmering reunion for Christmas ToTP!