What we didn't get for Christmas
Peace on Earth, and I'm still waiting for that Starsky & Hutch Deluxe Police Set...
Just over a year ago, we released the collected paperback of our comic series ‘KING TANK GIRL. As a little bonus, we added a two-page strip at the end of the book - a short tale showing our hero dreaming of Christmas, before suddenly emerging from the coma that she entered at the end of the previous graphic novel (Tank Girl Forever). It’s been a while, so I think it’s safe to share that two-pager with you all now, without any “spoiler” recriminations…
As reference for the “Tank Woman” adventure set featured in the story, I provided artist Brett Parson with an image of the Starsky & Hutch Deluxe Police Set, a (mainly plastic) toy pack from the mid-1970s, that I dreamed of owning when I was eight years old. This was one of many toys that was out of financial reach for me, but I recreated a home-made version from old cereal packets, toilet roll tubes, and Sellotape, using pictures of the toy set in a catalogue as a guide.
My home-made version fell to pieces years ago, but the Starsky & Hutch Police Set remains a mythical, wondrous Grail of an object in my mind - an item so powerful it could transcend dimensions and heal all wounds.
This is, of course, completely stupid.
But sometimes we can’t stop our minds from doing what they will, believing what they believe, making icons out of the mundane and the throw-away, and creating treasure out of un-recyclable plastic.
So the ‘King Tank Girl book was over a year ago. I awakened the “Tank Woman”, and then left her choking in her Snow-White-esque glass sarcophagus. Last year was tough, I had no stories, it was all out of my reach. I feel like that’s changing now; maybe this year I can help her get out of that fix, and move on with her life.
Stay warm my friends, watch more movies and eat more delights. Light a candle in the darkness, but remember to keep your sausage well away from it. And let us know about your own Grails, however stupid, they are all golden.
Seasonal hugs,
Alan XXX
p.s. for those Grange Hill fans amongst you, here’s the reference for that sausage on a fork…
p.p.s. I don’t often release comic scripts, but this was a very short one, and so (for those of you that have an interest in such things) here’s the original script for “Operation Burning Sausage” -
‘KING TANK GIRL - COLLECTION
OPERATION BURNING SAUSAGE
A script for a two-page comic strip. By Alan Martin
PAGE ONE
PANEL ONE
Title panel decorated in 1970’s Christmas style.
TITLE - TANK GIRL in
TITLE - OPERATION BURNING SAUSAGE
PANEL TWO
In one of Jet Girl’s palatial houses. Beneath the large (floor to ceiling) Christmas tree, next to a roaring open fire. The Tree is decorated with vintage glass baubles and old-fashioned candleholders; all filled with lit, small, red candles. BARNEY and TANK GIRL are kneeling, facing each other. Barney is handing over a gift-wrapped present, the size of a board game. Both wearing Christmas knitwear.
BARNEY - HAPPY CHRISTMAS TANK GIRL! THIS IS FROM ME AND THE GIRLS.
TANK GIRL - SHIT… THANKS GUYS, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. THIS LOOKS SO EXCITING.
PANEL THREE
TANK GIRL having pulled nearly all the paper off the box, looking at it in wonder. BARNEY watching on, over excited.
TANK GIRL - OH… IT’S TANK WOMAN. WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT HERE?
BARNEY - IT’S VINTAGE UNOFFICIAL MERCHANDISE FROM THE FOREIGN PLACES. ISN’T IT JUST DEVINE?
PANEL FOUR
The whole of the bottom of the page is taken up with a straight on view of the adventure set (see Starsky & Hutch set ref. pic).
Through the windows of the box we can see: a pistol and holster, a set of walkie-talkies, a rolled poster, binoculars, a compass, a flashlight, a crappy camera, and a plastic sausage (unburnt) on the prongs of a plastic kitchen fork.
On the front of the box are various Tank Girl type images, logos, and enticing slogans -
TANK WOMAN (a Tank Girl style logo)
OFFICIAL
DELUXE OPERATIONS OF THE BURNING SAUSAGES ADVENTURE SET
FROM EXCITING ACTION COMIC STRIPS!
WITH BOOGEY THE MUTANT DOG!
A MOMENT OF EXORBITANT FUN!
EXCRUCIATING TANK WOMANS POSTER
(Label on gun reads) NOT REAL PLASTIC
(and anything other items or slogans you care to add!)
BARNEY (off) - WE FOUND IT AT A YARD SALE. IT’S FRICKIN’ MINT IN BOX!
TANK GIRL (off) - GREAT. LET’S CRACK IT OPEN, SEE IF IT ALL STILL WORKS!
PAGE TWO
PANEL ONE
TANK GIRL kitted out with items from the Adventure Set, in amongst the branches of the Christmas tree. Walkie-Talkie held up to one ear, forked sausage held up in the other hand. The end of the sausage is getting close to one of the candle flames.
CAPTION - MINUTES LATER – DEEP IN THE NORWEGIAN SPRUCE…
TANK GIRL - TANK WOMAN TO BASE, COME IN BOOGEY…
TANK GIRL (linked) - …I AM IN POSITION.
PANEL TWO
BARNEY is down by the fire in a pillow fort, looking in the direction of the Christmas tree through the shitty binoculars. She is wearing clip-on kangaroo ears, held on with a Rambo-style bandana, and a plastic kangaroo nose.
BARNEY - ROGER THAT, TANK WOMAN. BOOGEY OUT.
PANEL THREE
Close on TANK GIRL, sniffing, puzzled. A strand of black smoke wafting around her.
TANK GIRL (thinks) - SNIFF-SNIFF… THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL?
PANEL FOUR
TANK GIRL holding the forked sausage in front of her face, alarmed. The sausage is now blazing at one end; black and brown smoke pouring from it. Shouting into her Walkie-Talkie.
TANK GIRL - BOOGEY! THIS IS TANK WOMAN! WE HAVE A CODE SAUSAGE! REPEAT – THE SAUSAGE IS BURNING!
BARNEY (from Walkie-Talkie) - TANK WOMAN! ABORT MISSION! GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!
PANEL FIVE
TANK GIRL has collapsed onto the floor behind the Christmas tree, sausage still burning, smoke surrounding her. The Walkie-Talkie on the floor next to her.
TANK GIRL - UH… TANK WOMAN… SAUSAGE… OVER…
BARNEY (from Walkie Talkie) - TANK WOMAN? TANK GIRL… ARE YOU THERE?
PANEL SIX
Close on TANK GIRL in her glass case, eyes just opening. Long hair. Head surrounded by the items that she had already dragged out of her subconscious, but now all the Operation Burning Sausage stuff is on to of everything, including the burning plastic sausage (in her hands held together on her chest?), which is starting to fill the case up with dark smoke.
TANK GIRL - COUGH…CHOKE…
PANEL SEVEN
TANK GIRL in her glass sarcophagus in the woods (no one else around), fully awake, afraid, sitting up as much as she can, face pressed to the glass, banging her fists against it.
TANK GIRL - ACK! COUGH! LET ME OUT! ACK! GET ME… UH…
Thank you for always pushing to give us (the fans) something to go potty over! I hope you had a great Christmas.
Thanks for sharing! May 2024 be a zillion times better than 2023 for us all!